There's a time to talk and a time to love

The "in thing" to share among my Facebook friends lately have been pleas. From one side of an issue or another, people have started writing pleas for people to join them/not leave them. It's a little refreshing from what I used to see, which was "why you are wrong" type posts. I still see that, especially with friends who read The Matt Walsh Blog regularly, but not nearly as often. So, yes, it's nice to see people being a little more pleasant towards each other, but it's still pointless.

When it comes to matters of the heart (relationships, religion, anything that can't be proven), it's incredibly hard to change someone's mind. Once you're set, you're set. Nothing anyone else can say will change that. What these types of blogs are asking of their intended audience is something that the writers themselves aren't willing to do. So there are really two problems with this. First, it's a post intended for an audience that, for the most part, does not make it a habit of reading those types of blogs. Secondly, it's asking the impossible.

Marketing has a general rule that you sell to the swing group through the eyes of the love group. The rule totally ignores the hate group. Why? Cause the hate group isn't going to change. What you're doing when you try to win back some one who has "fallen away" from whatever it is through reason and facts is trying to change the minds of the hate group. If anything, it's going to push the hate group farther away because they'll most likely feel attacked. 

When religion is involved, which it is for 95 percent of the blogs I'm talking about, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the swing and the hate group. However, a plea to stay won't usually work for either. At least, not the pleas I've seen. I've only ever seen two things work with religious swing groups.

1. The facts. Some people, especially those like me, respond best to the facts of an issue. They lean towards one side because the arguments made by that side are easier to understand and make at least a little sense. They can lean to either side based on the answers to their questions, eventually joining with one group or the other. This is why you need to know your religion. While facts may change from religion to religion, you must be able to share what you believe in an understandable manner. I strongly believe that this means you have to ask questions yourself. Ask questions, hard questions, and seek out the answers. Once you've done this you'll be able to give better answers to those who are asking.
2. The love. Sometimes people just need to be shown a little love. Not told, shown. This is the most important way to help those struggling to understand. Lovingly answer questions. Don't make it seem like asking questions is wrong. There are never any stupid questions. Don't judge. If someone says "You're just going to say that I don't understand" don't say it. Even if that person has the facts wrong, don't say it. It won't help. Just love them. Because people should be loved.

Brii and Erica were two of the people that helped me feel the love.

I can witness that a combination of facts and love can do wonders for a person. I was once in the swing group. Yes, I was young, but I was old enough to ask questions and find and understand the answers. It was when I was moving from Primary to Young Women's. I was the oldest in my age group and there were a few years between me and the next youngest girl. It just so happened that the time I started searching for the truth was also the time when I felt the most alone. I couldn't seem to make friends with the older girls. In fact, it felt like the older girls didn't care at all that I was always by myself. It got to the point where I dreaded going to church. The answers I was finding to my questions didn't matter. I knew the answers were good, and that I should be leaning towards the love group, but I wasn't. I was constantly telling my parents that I was too sick to go to church activities and I remember fake sleeping until the rest of my family left for church on several occasions. Then Erica graduated into Young Women's. I had a friend again and I could suddenly feel the love of my leaders. That was what got me to stay. I had the facts, I knew them to be true, but without the love I never would have stayed because I didn't feel wanted before then. 

When anyone, an individual or a group, is threatening to leave, don't talk them to death. Don't answer the questions they haven't asked. You can't read their minds. Yes, your heart is in the right place, but that's not what is needed. A blog post gone viral isn't what is needed. Love is needed. Understanding is needed. The time to talk is done. The time to love has reached its most critical point. 

Friends may come and go, but family is forever

I haven't written in my blog since I got married and I'm not sorry about that. I've been enjoying my husband and working hard in school and at my job. Today I have some free time and a thought, so I figured a blog post would be a great place to put that thought.

I've been thinking a lot about family recently. I have a little family right now and it's going to get bigger in March, so of course it's on my mind. But I want to expand on family. I want to go beyond siblings and parents. I want to talk about extended families and how important they are. My mom would always tell us friends may come and go, but family is forever all the time when I was little. It drove me nuts, but it's one of the most true statements I've ever heard.

I have three very different sides to my family. On one side, we don't really talk much. My dad moved the farthest away of his siblings. Most of his sisters still live in or around Portland, so we didn't see them a lot. However, we still enjoy each others company when we do manage to be in the same place at the same time and you can feel the love.

The other side of my dad's family talks even less. We see each other even less. I can't even remember meeting one of my aunts on that side. A lot of people who talk about their families and describe them like this tend to pair it with they don't really know or care about them. But I still know this side cares about me. And I hope they know that we care about them. 

The last side of my family is incredibly close. My aunts and uncles on that side are spread across the Midwest and West, though they're moving into a more centralized location slowly. Even though there was distance between us, I still feel a strong connection to them. I know how they are doing and they know how I am doing. We're so close that I have been called an aunt to my baby cousins and now I've heard my cousins referred to as aunts and uncles to my unborn child. Granted, most of that comes from Grandma, who confuses her words a lot, but other people in the family have made the same slip.

So what's the point of this blog post? Because it never ceases to amaze me how important my extended family is to me and how much they care about me no matter which type of extended family they are. I never want to be separated from them. I wanted to share a few examples from my life about why family is so incredibly important and the many different ways I know love to be shown.

1. I've had a few people question my relationship with one of my grandpas when they found out I can only remember talking to him on the phone once--when I got engaged. But I don't question how he works. One of my brothers is a lot like him. I think this is the hardest type of person to recognize love from, but, once you recognize it, it's amazing what you see. When we go visit him, he'll call us every time he changes location for hours before we're scheduled to arrive. Our theory is he's so worried he'll miss us that he's being extra careful he won't. When I called to tell him I was engaged and an estimate wedding date, he was the only family member who asked me more questions than just about my fiance and the upcoming wedding. In fact, he hardly asked about that at all. He congratulated me and proceeded to ask me questions about my schooling and work and life. When we visit him, he lets us do whatever we want. Once we visited him and basically slept through the entire visit. And he was fine with that! He went in a room with my dad and they talked music. When we woke up, he fed us the best salsa and refried beans in the area and we had a lovely time. I've never met someone who is so happy just to see his family. That, I tell you, is love. And I appreciate what he has taught me about recognizing love in quiet people.
2. The other side of my dad's family shows love in the exact opposite way. I have a few different examples of their love and they're all good, so this section may be long.
   
   First, I would like to share a story about my grandma. Close(ish) to two years ago, we surprised her for her birthday by showing up to her party. My older brother and I flew to Portland from school and my parents and other brother flew in from Wisconsin. Grandma hadn't seen my older brother for many years, and, when she saw him, she stopped her conversation with my dad, kind of pushed past him, screamed and hugged my brother for a very long time. It was as if she didn't even see the rest of us standing there waiting to surprise her. Of course, she had, and we visited and talked and caught up and it was great. I have never questioned that my grandparents love me or anyone else in my family because they won't let us.
   
   Now for some cousin stories. The first time I realized that my cousins on that side of the family loved us, even though we are the oddball Midwestern family, is when we went to a reunion a few years ago. SO many cousins came up and hugged me and I only recognized one of them. And that was just through Facebook. It's kind of hard not to recognize the tall, bald cousin with an adorable little family. Especially when there's only one of them.
   
   I have another cousin who is at BYU with me. We worked together my freshman year and she willing switched her custodial duties to cleaning toilets just so she could spend more time with me. I can go on much longer on all the ways she's shown me that she loves me even though we hardly saw each other growing up, but I think that's a pretty obvious way right there so I'll move on.
   
   The last cousin story for this family I have is from my honeymoon. We started our cruise in Vancouver, BC. I knew I had family in that area, so I posted on Facebook that we would be there for a weekend if anyone wanted to visit with us. I wasn't really expecting much of a response, but I got one. We were asked if we could make it to Victoria, but we couldn't and those cousins were a little disappointed. We had other cousins who scheduled their trip to Vancouver around us so we'd be there at the same time. We met up with the cousins who live in Vancouver and got Ethiopian food (delicious) and went to a really awesome gellato place (also delicious). The thing is, we've hardly ever seen these cousins. They're actually my dad's cousins and we only see them at reunions. So if they weren't family, it would be kind of like making plans to meet obscure friends. But they are family, so nothing was obscure and we all had fun and it was wonderful just to visit.
3. My mom's side of the family is the closest extended family I have, as I mentioned. So I'm just going to mention a few of the most endearing things about them.
   
   When I got engaged, my uncles were all concerned that Jeremiah would treat me right. They seemed more concerned than my parents (though I know if my parents thought that concern was necessary with Jer, they would have said something). Jer met all of those uncles before we were married.
   
   My aunt tells my mom quite often that she hopes we stay in Utah because she likes having us around. She has us over once a month for dinner and has offered to help with our baby. She has four kids of her own and she wants to help with a baby. That, my friends, is love.
   
   My aunts basically threw my open house in Utah. I just asked for their help and all I ended up doing was making some cookies and getting table clothes and napkins. They made everything pretty.
   
   My little cousins have all been so excited to see me. I was always amazed that they remembered me at all. They've told me how skinny I am, how pretty I am, how talented I am (in a variety of ways) and have all gone through a stage of following me everywhere. Except one. I think she just wanted to be different. She's funny.
   
   Most importantly is my grandparents. There's no way for me to express how much my grandparents love me and the rest of my family. My grandma always gets excited when I call. My grandpa took me to Idaho for a break from some very terrible roommates. They got me a Kitchenaid for Christmas this year. And not just any Kitchenaid, an artisan sized one. Because they found out I didn't have one. My grandparents will do anything for their children and their grandchildren.

Basically, family loves in all different ways. It is incredibly sad to me when someone shuts out their family for anything but the best of reasons (like health or safety concerns). If I could help all people see the ways that they are loved, I would. My only hope with this blog post is that maybe someone will read it and realize that their family loves them and they just haven't seen it yet.