Put your behind in your past

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about loving yourself for who you are. Once again I had too many thoughts to say in one conversation so I'm going to put them all up on the internet! That's what the internet is for, right?

Way too many people use "love yourself for who you are" as an excuse. I think the meaning of this has been twisted by society. There has been such a focus on condemning models and celebrities for giving us a skewed idea of beauty and it drives me nuts. As I told a friend once, models are picked because they wear the clothes well. A fashion designer doesn't want everybody looking at the model, they want everybody looking at the clothes. The fashion industry knows this. The designers that design for people shaped like a model rarely go far. Girls like me have a hard time finding clothes that fit, not because clothes are designed for models, but because the average girl has considerably less curviness to their bodies. If clothes were produced for girls shaped like me more girls would complain about how they fit. Instead of hearing girls complain about how they can't wear button down shirts or they have to wear baggier shirts to fit their hips, we'd be hearing more girls complaining about how they can't fill up the tops of shirts, how everything is baggy and will only fit them around the waist.

Why does this matter? Because I want it to be somewhere on the internet that says you can love yourself for who you are and still want to look better without it being unhealthy. "Love yourself for who you are" doesn't mean accept the hand that has been given you. I truly believe it means love your personality and body type.

I feel I can use myself as an example of loving yourself for who you are because I have struggled with this and come out on top. I love myself for who I am. I don't wish I had another body, but I work hard to make sure my body looks as good as it can. The biggest thing I struggled with was my skin. I was born with skin that is prone to acne and boils. I had skin that hurt for a long time. Over the counter acne treatments would help for a little while but none of them lasted. If I had decided to "love myself for who I am" as it is understood by many people today, I would still struggle with this constantly. It has not gotten better as I've gotten older and in fact has gotten worse. I decided it was worth it to take the extra time to take an antibiotic and my skin has cleared up considerably.

This might not be the best example because that is skin and this is normally aimed at weight. I would like to point out that I started the antibiotics because of comfort, not looks. When you're a healthy weight you feel better. I have never heard someone say "I wish I was fat again." When it comes to looks, love what you have and work so you can love what you don't love. I'm not saying get plastic surgery or something. I'm saying if you're over weight, work to be a healthy weight. If you are a healthy weight and you don't like the shape of your body, find flattering clothes. Remember that no one can wear every style, not even hour glass shapes (for girls) or extremely v-shapes (for guys). I'm hour glass shaped and many people seem to think hour glass shaped girls can wear anything. This is false. I cannot wear shirts that are baggy and then come in around the hips or most empire waist things. I also look horrible in yellow. I don't know why cause my skin tone should look good in yellow... I know this, so I don't wear those types of shirts no matter how much I like the shirt/dress. Clothes really can help body image.

The same thing goes for other features you may or may not like. For example, I love my eyes and lips but I hate my nose. How do I not fret about my nose? I accentuate my eyes and avoid makeup styles and glasses that might bring attention to my nose.

Now that I've spent so much time on physical appearance, it's time to say what I think that phrase really means. I don't think it's supposed to be about our bodies. I think it's supposed to be about out personalities. I don't think I'm alone when I say I could spend hours listing my faults. Everyone has them, no one has exactly the same faults as anyone else. I think "love yourself for who you are" means to love yourself even though you have faults. Again, this doesn't mean you shouldn't work on yourself. I just think it means love yourself while you strive to make yourself a better person. There is no reason you should hate yourself. You might hate things that you've done, but that should never keep you from loving yourself. Rafiki said this better than I ever could.

Rafiki was teaching Simba to love himself for who he is. That's really what The Lion King means to me. Simba still has his faults at the end of the movie, but he doesn't hate himself anymore.

How to be classy

I want to share something this week that has to do with fashion. I've had a hard time deciding what to share. I've decided to share a lesson I prepared for the girls back home about modesty a few years ago. The great thing about this lesson is it's designed in a way that it won't change with time. I want to share it in hopes that someone, some where, can get some ideas from it. This will be modified from the original lesson a little, but it's basically the same thing.

When I was a younger I was awkward (who isn't?) and I never thought boys would like me ever. When I got to high school boys were suddenly paying attention to me and I loved it. I soon realized that boys like cleavage. I was not lacking in this field and I figured there would be no harm in showing a little so I would wear increasingly lower cut shirts. I had heard the lessons in church about modesty but it was always something along the lines of "dress modestly because you're told to." I'm stubborn and a little rebellious (not much, but I tend to like to do the opposite of what I'm told when I'm not given a good reason. I once really wanted to get married just because my friend said I couldn't get married before her because her and her boyfriend had been dating longer and I thought that was a silly reason). It took a while before I realized there was a good reason I was told to dress modestly, and I wished someone had given me a better reason. I have come up with three reasons.

1. Dressing modestly shows you have respect for yourself. When you cover up you're telling people you don't need to be an object to feel good about yourself. You're confident in who you are in all ways, not just in your appearance. Girls that dress immodestly give off the impression that they feel they can only impress people with their bodies. In the business world it shows that you have little confidence in your abilities. While girls that show up to job interviews in short skirts and falling out of their shirts may get the job sometimes, in any respectable work places it wouldn't fly. You're taking away from your resume when dressing like that. It gives the message to your future employer that, no matter how impressive your resume is, you don't have the confidence in it to get you a job alone. 
2. Dressing modestly shows you have respect for others. Let's use the interview example again. When a girl goes in for a job interview with things hanging out and what not, it distracts the interviewer from the resume. If the interviewer is male, he may have a hard time looking at your face. I don't care what you may say about the interviewer, this is what happens. It doesn't matter if he's looking at your chest, legs, midriff, what ever is showing, or decidedly behind you or above you or down at what ever is in front of him. The fact still remains that he's not looking at your face. I don't know if many girls realize this, but revealing clothing can be distracting for female interviewers, as well. It may or may not be in the same way. Now put this in the every day world. Nearly every day you will see people. Most of these people don't want to see everything you have at once. Dressing immodestly is bound to make someone feel uncomfortable around you every day.
3. Dressing immodestly for a boy will not impress him and if it does he's not a boy you should be trying to impress. I think this is pretty simple and straight forward. Most women want to feel respected by men. If a guy is talking to you and dating you because he likes your (enter body part here), where is that relationship going to go? That's right, to the entered body part. If you're looking for a good, healthy relationship, impress a boy with your laugh, brain, wit, what have you. I'm not saying don't look good. Do look good. Looking good is important. But, as Michael Kors said at some point on Project Runway, you don't have to show everything to have sex appeal. 

Another bit in this lesson I gave had to do with shopping. I'm going to shorten this section considerably because it's hard to type. I had girls pick things that went together to make a point.

It is possible to make almost anything modest by layering. Always have good white and black camisoles. The best way to layer is by following this check list in the order I will present it:

1. Color If your reds are a little off and right next to each other someone will notice. If your colors clash horribly everyone will notice. This is the first thing people will see
2. Style The next thing people see is style. You don't have to be close to someone to see that they mixed styles that compliment each other or didn't. I can spot style clashes from 50 feet easy and I can't be the only one.
3. Fabric Not many people can tell exactly what type of fabric you're wearing until they're within talking distance. It's important to match fabrics, this will just be the last thing people see. 

Now, don't go crazy layering. The less you wear t-shirts under tank tops the better. Layering doesn't always have to be like that, either. It's perfectly acceptable to wear a nice blazer over a more revealing blouse to make it less revealing. If you really want to wear t-shirts under things, make sure your neck lines compliment each other. A good example is a crew neck with a halter top. That looks tacky. I actually think most halters look tacky anyway, but that looks especially tacky. If you're not like me and do like halters, scoop or v necks look the best with them. 

When you go shopping, go shopping with someone, preferably someone that is blunt. Ask them if something looks tacky if you can't decide. It's also nice to have someone there to tell you if your butt crack is showing when you sit down. Always make sure you sit down when trying on pants, shorts, skirts, and dresses. Decide how long you want your skirts and make sure they're still that long when you sit. Bend over, move around, make sure your clothes actually fit and won't fall off. 

And finally a word of advice: Get classic clothes. A pair of nice jeans will never go out of style. Fads can be nice but they won't last. But never give up! I entered the mature clothing stage in the early millennium when all the shirts were short and the pants were low and butt crack was the new cleavage. Bermuda shorts didn't exist, knee length skirts were rare, knee length dresses even rarer. When there is a slump in good clothes, just wait it out. Buy classic clothes while you can and they can last you until you feel comfortable with the styles again.

Take care of your toes

I almost always have my toe and fingernails painted. I've done this for so long that I need to have them painted now for me to feel comfortable. Why does this matter? It doesn't, really. I've just been thinking about appearances lately and how your toes play into your appearance.

In my family we dress to look good. We don't wear things that aren't flattering. Every time I'd go shopping with my mom and I tried on something that I thought looked cute on the hanger but it didn't look cute on me, my mom would ask "What does that do for you?" That's generally what I think when I'm shopping or someone asks me for my opinion on their clothes or when I just see someone wearing something very unflattering.

The thing about toes is it's really easy to cover them. Shoes and socks are like make up for your toes. If they're hairy or have weird nails, covering them with shoes is the fastest way to fix it just like make up is the fastest way to hide a blemish. This is why I have decided those that really care about their appearance take care of their toes.

There was a girl in one of my classes that I sat next to quite a bit. Her style was very young, so I didn't think she had much interest in fashion. I was surprised to find out she is actually very interested in fashion. This confused me and I started to wonder why I'd thought this. I realized the biggest reason was not her very young fashion sense, it was her toes. She wore flip flops every day and her toe nails were in desperate need of maintenance. I was surprised she didn't have scratches on her legs, but maybe most people aren't as active of sleepers as I am.

So why are toes so important? Because they're easily overlooked. You can be successful and look successful without ever showing your toes. It's the same idea as shaving your legs in the winter. No one is going to see your legs since pants are generally worn, you do it for yourself. That, I believe is the bottom line of my thought. No one is going to ask to see your toes, no one will ask you to roll up your pants in the winter, few people will ask why you don't work out. You do it for yourself.

I don't think you have to go out and spend a lot of money to look good. While people may enjoy manicures, pedicures, facials, etc, you don't need them. What you spend on your looks is up to you. For example, I feel comfortable spending a rather large amount on hair cuts because I have difficult hair and if I don't I have to find someone to fix the cheap hair cut. Whenever I'm asked where I get my hair cut and how much it is, people are shocked. Those people do not need expensive hair cuts. Some people are really bad at applying nail polish or maybe they just find manicures or pedicures relaxing, so they choose to spend money on those. I don't, don't think I ever will, but I am also pretty good at giving myself those. You don't need designer clothes, just clothes that fit. Looking put together is within everyone's budget. There's not even that many essential clothing items. I have just decided that I will include a list of these.

Essential clothing for women:

• Black and/or brown skirt
• Black and/or brown dress pants
• Black and/or brown close toed heels or flats (or both! I really like shoes...)
• At least one pair of well fitting jeans
• Button down white and/or black shirt
• A belt

If the "or" option is picked, I suggest picking black or brown in all of the options. Black and brown is very hard to match to each other.

Essential clothing for men:

• Dress slacks (black, brown, navy, tan, olive, just have some)
• Matching belt and dress shoes (It looks kind of funny when you have a brown belt and black shoes)
• At least one tie
• At least one pair of well fitting jeans
• White button down shirt
• Here's an optional one for you men! A suit or sport coat (I strongly suggest having one, but they're expensive and, in most cases, it's not absolutely necessary)

Well, there it is. Steph's view on appearance. I hope you enjoyed.