There's a time to talk and a time to love

The "in thing" to share among my Facebook friends lately have been pleas. From one side of an issue or another, people have started writing pleas for people to join them/not leave them. It's a little refreshing from what I used to see, which was "why you are wrong" type posts. I still see that, especially with friends who read The Matt Walsh Blog regularly, but not nearly as often. So, yes, it's nice to see people being a little more pleasant towards each other, but it's still pointless.

When it comes to matters of the heart (relationships, religion, anything that can't be proven), it's incredibly hard to change someone's mind. Once you're set, you're set. Nothing anyone else can say will change that. What these types of blogs are asking of their intended audience is something that the writers themselves aren't willing to do. So there are really two problems with this. First, it's a post intended for an audience that, for the most part, does not make it a habit of reading those types of blogs. Secondly, it's asking the impossible.

Marketing has a general rule that you sell to the swing group through the eyes of the love group. The rule totally ignores the hate group. Why? Cause the hate group isn't going to change. What you're doing when you try to win back some one who has "fallen away" from whatever it is through reason and facts is trying to change the minds of the hate group. If anything, it's going to push the hate group farther away because they'll most likely feel attacked. 

When religion is involved, which it is for 95 percent of the blogs I'm talking about, sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the swing and the hate group. However, a plea to stay won't usually work for either. At least, not the pleas I've seen. I've only ever seen two things work with religious swing groups.

1. The facts. Some people, especially those like me, respond best to the facts of an issue. They lean towards one side because the arguments made by that side are easier to understand and make at least a little sense. They can lean to either side based on the answers to their questions, eventually joining with one group or the other. This is why you need to know your religion. While facts may change from religion to religion, you must be able to share what you believe in an understandable manner. I strongly believe that this means you have to ask questions yourself. Ask questions, hard questions, and seek out the answers. Once you've done this you'll be able to give better answers to those who are asking.
2. The love. Sometimes people just need to be shown a little love. Not told, shown. This is the most important way to help those struggling to understand. Lovingly answer questions. Don't make it seem like asking questions is wrong. There are never any stupid questions. Don't judge. If someone says "You're just going to say that I don't understand" don't say it. Even if that person has the facts wrong, don't say it. It won't help. Just love them. Because people should be loved.

Brii and Erica were two of the people that helped me feel the love.

I can witness that a combination of facts and love can do wonders for a person. I was once in the swing group. Yes, I was young, but I was old enough to ask questions and find and understand the answers. It was when I was moving from Primary to Young Women's. I was the oldest in my age group and there were a few years between me and the next youngest girl. It just so happened that the time I started searching for the truth was also the time when I felt the most alone. I couldn't seem to make friends with the older girls. In fact, it felt like the older girls didn't care at all that I was always by myself. It got to the point where I dreaded going to church. The answers I was finding to my questions didn't matter. I knew the answers were good, and that I should be leaning towards the love group, but I wasn't. I was constantly telling my parents that I was too sick to go to church activities and I remember fake sleeping until the rest of my family left for church on several occasions. Then Erica graduated into Young Women's. I had a friend again and I could suddenly feel the love of my leaders. That was what got me to stay. I had the facts, I knew them to be true, but without the love I never would have stayed because I didn't feel wanted before then. 

When anyone, an individual or a group, is threatening to leave, don't talk them to death. Don't answer the questions they haven't asked. You can't read their minds. Yes, your heart is in the right place, but that's not what is needed. A blog post gone viral isn't what is needed. Love is needed. Understanding is needed. The time to talk is done. The time to love has reached its most critical point. 

Life is a dress code: Thoughts on Wasatch High School

The internet has recently discovered modesty photo edits in a Utah high school year book. While I am shocked that this happened, I am disgusted at some of the comments made on the internet. Somewhere dress codes became evil and problematic. Maybe I'm just traditional, but I think dress codes in schools teach students an important lesson.

The world is full of unspoken dress codes. If you're looking to impress in a job interview you dress a step higher than what is worn at the office. You don't wear jeans on a hike in the middle of summer. You wear light-weight clothes to the beach. You wear something between nice jeans and shirt to traditional "Sunday best" to church. You wear dark colors to a funeral. You don't wear white at a wedding (unless you're the bride, of course). Any situation you find yourself in comes with a dress code.

I may have overdressed him for bed
in his baby tux, but dang was he cute.

Something a lot of young people struggle with is knowing what is appropriate to wear when. If anyone can make it through adolescence without being over or under dressed at some point they deserve a gold star. Now young people are hearing from those barely older than them that it doesn't matter what you wear. Yet so many of these slightly older young people are without jobs, or at least jobs that you can actually live off of.

Now, I'm not saying that if they dressed better they'd get better jobs just like that. There's obviously way more factors to it, but I am willing to bet that the job search would be a little easier for quite a few of them if they would just dress a little smarter.

Smarter? Dress smarter? How do you do that? You don't wear something super trendy to an interview with a non-trendy employer. You pay attention to what is worn at that office when you do your research and dress one step up. When in doubt, traditional business dress will rarely go wrong.

Here's an example of why you need to dress the part sometimes. My husband works as an un-benefitted employee at a hospital. He works on a different unit every day. He happens to be particularly liked by the patients and staff on the children's unit, where he wants to work all the time. When a position opened up, he wore nice slacks and a button-down shirt to the interview. At the rest of this hospital, this attire is perfectly acceptable. Well, even though my husband seemed to be a shoe-in for the job, he didn't get it. Another position on the unit opened up recently and he noticed some of the benefitted employees who wanted the shift putting on suits (not normal in the rest of the hospital). Now, when he interviews for the position, he knows he needs to dress up even more if he wants the job.

Teenagers need to learn that there are dress standards that they will have to meet for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, many don't get this instruction from parents. I think it's just one of those things that many parents don't think about. Many teenagers do get this instruction from their parents, but ignore it. Dress codes at schools help teach students that there is, in fact, dress standards in this world and if you don't follow them there can be consequences.

Before anyone thinks I'm defending the actions of Wasatch High School, let me clarify. It is never ok to enforce a dress code through unauthorized photo edits. A dress code is only effective as long as it is enforced when the clothes are being worn and on everyone. Also, dress codes should apply to both guys and girls. I don't know if there is a section of the Wasatch dress code for guys, but if there isn't, there should be. I do not think telling a girl to cover her bra straps or cleavage or butt cheeks (let's be honest, short shorts at school just have to be uncomfortable anyway) is telling her that she needs to control men's thoughts. I think it is telling her that you need to dress a certain way in a certain place. Same thing for guys with saggy pants and muscle tees.

Parts of Fashion: Expression

The second biggest part of fashion is expression. This is really a subset of comfort, but that's why comfort is the biggest aspect of fashion. In order for clothes to sell, they have to make a person feel like they are expressing themselves. There are several different ways people express themselves with clothes.

Casual Expression

Just because you look fine doesn't mean you feel fine.

For a lot of people, especially those who are still in school or only work part time, casual expression is the most common type when it comes to clothes. This is what you wear when you aren't working. This type of expression is different for everyone, though it is rather similar in concept. I have three examples of different types of casual expression.

1. When I was a senior in high school, one of my close friends stopped wearing graphic tees. She would still wear jeans, but she always had her hair and make up done and wore blouses. She said she decided to treat everyone like a future employer, so she didn't want them to see her wearing anything that could compromise that relationship. While she dressed nicer than most other high school seniors, she still had a level up for business wear.
2. A long-time friend and former roommate of mine is most commonly seen in jeans, a graphic tee and Converse that almost don't count as shoes anymore. She always looks comfortable. A lot of people think she's a tom boy, and she can act that way sometimes, but she also likes make up (though she doesn't have time to put it on most days) and other girly things. The point is that she doesn't dress to impress other people on a day-to-day basis because she doesn't feel the need to. She has a comfortable, laid-back personality and that's the way she looks.
3. I have several friends who will change level of formality for no apparent reason (and I'm included in this group). These friends will wear a funny t-shirt one day and a collared shirt the next. They may even switch between jeans, shorts, khakis and slacks. I have found that this group is the most common group. Everyone has their own reasons for doing this, but I think it's generally pretty similar to why I do it. I dress in accordance to my mood. While I try to always look nice, some days are graphic tee days and others a blouse days. Who I am seeing that day usually doesn't effect what I choose to wear (if it's a true casual day). I always try to look like I took at least a little time with my appearance. However, if I'm having an "I don't care, I just want to wear something" day, I'll grab a graphic tee. If I'm having a low self-esteem day, I'll grab something nicer and more flattering. When I was single, I would usually wear something a little more flattering if I was going to see the guy I liked, and I still do this when I want to distract my husband (cause it's so fun), but I don't wear anything that I think looks bad, so who I am seeing doesn't tend to change what I wear. Most of my friends that switch formality for no apparent reason seem to do the same thing.

Casual expression is the form of expression that is least thought about. Most people don't even think about what they're trying to say with their clothes on a regular basis. This comes as second nature to most people. Even people who say they don't care about clothes do this. They have reasons they pick their clothes. All you have to do is dig a little and they'll realize it (we did this as an assignment in one of my classes last year).

Business Expression

Business expression is the most
effected by the opinions of others.

I hope that this is a no-brainer, but I'm not so sure based on some of the "business attire" I've seen in my classes. If you're going into any type of business, you need to figure out what the dress code is. Then you can channel your personal expression through that code. The point of business attire is to impress your employer, or future employer if it's an interview or sit-along. The hard part with this type of expression is keeping your identity, which is why I think so many people don't like dressing up. I have some tips for keeping expression in this world so you don't feel lost in the crowd.

1. Find expression in your hair or accessories. Most places that require a uniform will let you wear things like rings or earrings, so this works for most fields. Find an accessory identity. Maybe you're like me and a simple ring on one finger is enough for you. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 16, so I got used to wearing minimal jewelry. I always had a simple ring on my left middle finger and a watch (often a bold one). I feel naked if I forget my ring (which is now a wedding ring) and watch. I also try to have unique hair. I get bored with my hair easily, so I get it cut a lot since I don't want to dye my hair. Perhaps you find identity in your hair with a dye job. That's up to you, it's your identity.
2. Find tops with flair. In most business attire slacks are appropriate. However, slacks are boring. Tops do not have to be boring. If you're a man, bright colors and interesting patterns are a great way to add some flair to your look. For women, find tops with ruffles or applique or patterns. Blouses come in all styles. You may be bored with your pants, but there's no reason to be bored with your shirt.
3. Get some fun socks. This, of course is reliant on your shoes. If your shoes aren't sock appropriate, get some fun shoes. My favorite shoes are black and white hounds-tooth flats with a big, flat, black bow on the toe. My favorite socks look like popcorn boxes. Fun socks can be hidden by pants and fun shoes come in business appropriate styles. There is no excuse not to have fun feet.

It's OK to conform to dress codes. Very few dress codes are so strict that they will take away all your forms of identity.

Formal Expression

Formal expression is a lot like casual expression. You get to pick what you're saying with what you're wearing. Red carpet is a great example of this. You can tell which celebrities like making a scene, which ones want to be seen as classy and which ones are incredibly comfortable with their bodies based on what they're wearing. This form of expression is basically casual expression dressed up, so I'm not going to elaborate.

Alexander McQueen is one of my favorite designers
because of the expression I see in his clothes.

Designer Expression

The fashion industry isn't just concerned about the expression of the consumers. Yes, a consumer must find expression in the clothes in order to want to buy them, but the designer has to find expression, too. If you commonly buy your clothes at Walmart, this form of expression is incredibly watered down, but it's still there. At some point in time, a designer had to be inspired by a style in order for it to be created in the first place. Designers are artists, or they should be (the good ones are), so when you buy clothing, you're wearing someone's art. While this form of expression is incredibly important, the designers that survive are able to channel their expression into something that consumers will also find expression in.

It doesn't matter if you wear non-descript clothing or incredibly flashy clothing. What you wear is your outward expression of your personality. If a piece of clothing doesn't fit with your personality, you're most likely not going to wear it. In fact, you probably won't even pick it out at the store.

Parts of Fashion: Comfort

I've decided to do a series of posts of on what I view as the most important parts of fashion, starting with the most important, comfort. Comfort is the number one reason people choose the wear what they wear. Keep in mind, this is wearing clothes, not buying them. Many people, I might even say most, buy clothes that are cute, cool, super chic, whatever, and leave them to hang forever in their closets, never to be worn. Tim Gunn calls these clothes "Those Items that -- For Reasons Unknown -- You Never Wear" in his book A Guide to Quality, Taste & Style. I would say that there is one reason. You don't feel comfortable in it.

There are different types of comfort. Some types may not apply to some people, all may apply to others. I may not even know all of them. Sure, I analyze clothing and why I wear what I wear, why others wear what they wear and why certain styles stick and others don't, but that doesn't mean I have figured out every type of comfort. I am a mostly self-taught when it comes to fashion theories. I do think I have a good start on the list, and I'm open to other ideas.

1. Mental comfort. A huge part of fashion is self-expression (which I will go more in depth on in a later post). Since self-expression is so big, it only stands to reason that, if a piece of clothing does not accurately represent you, you will not want to wear it. A lot of people don't seem to think about what their clothes say about them, but I think it's because it comes naturally to people...because of comfort...no way.
   
   To test this theory, I would talk to people I didn't know very well (aka was sitting next to in a class), and tell them about a fashion class I was taking. I would bring up how clothing is our first form of communication, that what we wear is an expression of ourselves and you can tell a lot about a person just based on their clothes. Most of the time the person would look at me skeptically and ask me what their clothes say about them, if they are so telling. I would then tell the person my first impression of them, which was based on their clothes (as most first impressions are. I call it the first-first impression). The people I talked to were always impressed at how accurate I was.
   
   I concluded, based on my experiment as well as studies and books I've read, that people automatically wear clothes that make them mentally comfortable.
   
2. Situational comfort. There are clothes that are made for certain events. An evening gown is not typically worn to work and athletic clothes are not normally worn on dates (unless it's an athletic date). Some clothes are made to cross events, but only with a change in combination. People generally do not want to under- or over-dress, even if it happens more often than anyone wants to admit.
   
   Imagine you're having a pick-me-up day. You're not feeling so hot and you want to feel better about yourself. What do you wear? Does it depend on how you're making yourself feel better? I bet it does. If you pick yourself up by binge watching your favorite TV show while chowing down on snacks, I doubt you are wearing the outfit that flatters you the most. No one else is going to see you, so you wear whatever you want. If you're the type of person that needs to get out of the house to feel better, I would wager that you are wearing a casual outfit that you feel the most attractive in. Perhaps you go somewhere fancy when you feel bad. You're probably wearing your nicest outfit. Each situation calls for a different outfit.
   
   Now imagine you're going to work. What do you wear? A uniform? Casual clothes? Clothes that can get dirty? Traditional business attire? Trendy business attire? Does it depend on where you're working? Of course it does. Would you feel uncomfortable coming in something else? I would say most people would say yes.
   
3. Physical comfort. This one, I think, is the most obvious. No one wants to wear something that's itchy or pulling funny or falls off all the time. OK, maybe someone does, but I can't understand why. I don't think this needs much explaining. The best example I can think of is, when people are adamant that fashion means nothing, they always say "I just dress to be comfortable." Upon further prying, they usually mean physically.

While I may have spent this entire post talking about personal fashion, it can't be denied that this plays a big part in the fashion industry. It doesn't matter how innovative, cool-looking, awe-inspiring or awesome a piece of clothing is, if no one will feel comfortable in it, it won't sell and the item will disappear from the shelves. Comfort is the biggest aspect of personal fashion, but it does not completely make up personal fashion, which is why there will be more posts to follow!

The Marketplace of Ideas gone bad

Sometimes I am bothered more by peoples' reactions to statements that may bother me than the statement itself. Not always, but sometimes. I've wanted to express why this bothers me for a while now but I haven't been able to figure out a way that really encompasses the issue. It took me a while, but I have finally found the heart of the problem so I can now fully share my opinion.

The heart of the problem is not exactly what people say, but the reason why they feel they can say it. I went through many different theories like the internet and ego, but the real reason, I believe, is a misunderstanding of the Marketplace of Ideas.

For those of you who do not know, the Marketplace of Ideas is the concept that, if all ideas are allowed to be spoken, the true/good ideas will win out over the wrong/bad. It encourages debate and discourages censorship. All in all, this is a pretty great idea. I really like it. However, there is a bit of a misunderstanding that I have seen a lot lately.

Accompanying picture to Takei's quote. I enjoy it quite a bit.

Here is a quote from George Takei's Facebook page from a Jan. 1. 

"In the "marketplace of ideas" BAD ideas get devalued in public discourse. When people are called to face the music for their statements, while others rally to defend their ideas, this is that marketplace in action. We DON'T need to defend the right of people to say stupid or incorrect things without PUBLIC or consumer repercussion. We DO need to defend their right to say them without GOVERNMENTAL censure."

I really like this quote. I think it's a pretty good description of the Marketplace of Ideas. I do see one problem, though. It's the last sentence. I would argue that censorship does not just come from the government, it can come from the public as well.

You see, responding to a statement that resonates as false to you with what you see as truth is discourse. Something as simple as "I don't agree. That's dumb" is discourse. Ceasing to support a public figure, organization, company, what have you because you do not agree with them is also a form of discourse. It allows for others to support the idea, to respond with further ideas along the same thought process, and it will commonly end with the better idea winning out. It might take a while, but it will eventually happen.

Lately I have been seeing a lot of people responding to ideas they don't like by demanding action against the speaker of said idea. Notice the use of the word demanding. They don't say things like "I'm going to stop giving you money" or "People who disagree, let's unite and take action." It's usually something along the lines of "Person's boss, fire them." I see that as censorship, not repercussions. Now if the boss of a person that says something many see as dumb feels that it is in the company's best interest to remove that person, then that is one thing, since corporate speech is included in the Marketplace of Ideas. If the person is a public figure of some type for a company then the company has a right to get a new public figure that will say things that follow along with the company's standing. 

But what if the person wasn't out of line in terms of company policy? One group of people demanding that person be fired, especially a loud group, is terrifying. Imagine there is no company involved. Imagine you said something that you believe to be truth and the response was not an I disagree, here is another idea, or I'm not talking to you anymore. Imagine it was, instead, along the lines of lose your money, your job, your home, your social standing, etc. yelled at you from all sides. Isn't that kind of terrifying? It would make most onlookers not want to speak up. And that is censorship.

My biggest problem with demanding action in this way is it encourages silence. Silence is what kills the Marketplace of Ideas. Encouraging silence from people with a certain idea is not winning at public discourse, it is simply creating more silence. What eventually happens is you get a silent majority, which is a very real thing in everyone's lives.

If you are in a classroom with 30 people and the professor says something you agree with, but the next several people, say 7, who speak disagree with the professor, how likely is it that you're going to raise your hand and say you agree? Unless you have a strong personality, the likelihood is that you will stay silent. Even if you do raise your hand, what is the likelihood that others who support the idea will? Not very likely. So you will never know if more people agree with the 7 against or the 2 (you and the professor) for, even if everyone else in the class agrees with you and the professor. 

The Marketplace of Ideas does not hinge on "the loudest wins." For it to function correctly, it must rely on society picking the best idea. If the people supporting the not-so-great idea are louder than the people with the best idea to the point of terrifying them into silence, the system fails. The system will also fail if the people with the best idea terrify the not-so-great idea people into silence. Why? Because terrifying into silence is not allowing society to decide, it is censoring select groups into submission.