Before my son was born, I was excited to breast feed. I was excited to bond with my son and share that time with snuggling and love. Then my son was born. Nursing was not fun. I dreaded doing it. My son would rather have a bottle so he could continue scanning the room than nurse where he could only see me. I felt like I was failing. I hated going to the Mother's Lounge at church where all these other mothers would be in and out with happy, satisfied babies while I sat there fighting mine. Don't get me wrong, I would do it again. Nursing is free and it benefits babies so much. That does not mean I would enjoy it the second time, at least not if I had to do it over again with the same baby.
I read a lot of Mommy blogs. I've been looking and looking for another mother I could relate to. Someone else who doesn't love nursing. I knew I couldn't be alone; my mother didn't enjoy nursing one of my siblings. I never did find someone who currently had a baby to sympathize with, though. So here is my advice to all those mothers out there like me who just want to know that they're not alone.
- Do what comes naturally to you, not what you've been told.
When I was in my third trimester I was required to go to a lactation consultant. I was informed that cradling the baby in your arm is wrong and doesn't work. I was confused and I thought that was crazy, but I was told this by multiple lactation consultants. I was told to do it this way:
This may work for some people, but according to Dr. Spock, most babies hate having their heads held. If I had only known this in the hospital, my son may have latched the first time and never have had to go to the NICU for low blood sugar. The thing is, as soon as I held my son in my arms I knew I needed to cradle him. But because I had been told so many times to do it the other way, I didn't. My son didn't latch. He barely got anything to eat. Within a few hours he was in the NICU.
One thing I've noticed about all things natural is that we seem to know how to do them instinctively. It's easy to get intimidated by nursing, but when it comes down to it, you know how it works. Getting advice is great! I'm sure lactation consultants have helped someone. But if you feel uneasy about what you've been told on how to nurse, listen to that. Do what seems natural to you and it will probably work for the best.
- You are not a giraffe.
I recently saw this picture in my news feed from the La Leche League. The home page for the League in the area I live in starts with this: "La Leche League is an international nonprofit, nonsectarian organization dedicated to providing education, information, support, and encouragement to women who want to breastfeed."
Harmless, helpful, good. The reason why this group exists is great! But pictures like these ones are far too common, and not exclusive to this group. Groups that are meant to help mothers should not be alienating those that do have to wean for various reasons. Humans are not giraffes. Most women cannot take their children to work with them. While many professors do allow children in their classrooms, most student mothers, especially of infants, choose not to because you end up in the hall half the time anyway and are a distraction to the rest of the class, even if you try really hard not to be. Giraffes can nurse anywhere. Humans cannot.
I may have too personal of an experience in terms of mobility. My son self-weaned at about 10 months. There was nothing I could do about it because I was in my last semester of school and worked at two jobs in law enforcement. I could not pump enough (I was lucky to get 1 ounce after 45 minutes of pumping). I felt alone and pictures like these pour salt in the wound. Mothers that have not had a child self-wean could not possibly know how it feels when your child adamantly rejects the one part of your body specifically designed to care for them after birth. And when you're not able to be home very often to work on a remedy, you just have to accept it.
People are not going to stop saying things like this. Parenting is a hot topic and probably always will be. It's very hard, but that means it's up to individuals to not compare ourselves. And when we're talking to other mothers, we need to remember that just because something is an excuse to you doesn't mean it's not a reason for someone else.
- 9 out of 10 women can nurse; that doesn't mean your baby will.
The local WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) office is covered in signs that say "9 out of 10 women can nurse." Every time I go in there I think, but what about babies that don't like nursing? There are just some babies that are not fans of nursing! Nursing these babies takes a lot of time and patience. They will suck a couple times and then throw their arms back and cry until you can coax them back in. Eventually the crying will stop, but that baby will continue to push away before filling up.
My son was like this and I've been told by older mothers about their children who did this. All of these babies didn't want to stop and eat, even after they grew up. My younger brother was one of these babies and he has said on occasion that he wishes there was a pill he could take instead of eating, simply for the convenience of it. My son, now 1-year-old, will sometimes refuse to eat until I put his tray on the floor so he can just come back to his meal as he plays.
Let me make it very clear, you can nurse babies that don't want to nurse. But your baby will not want to nurse at any age and it takes a lot of will power not to get frustrated. Nursing won't be enjoyable for you and meal time is a terrible time to try and bond with your child. Don't take it personally. There are other ways to bond with your child. Nursing doesn't have to be one of them.
- Sometimes you just have to buy formula.
There are so many things that can happen to you while you're nursing. You can get sick, you can require surgery, you could need a skin tag removed on your nipple. Two of these things happened to me while I was nursing. When you have the stomach flu and can't eat, your body is NOT going to produce enough milk, no matter how hard you try.
I have heard so many avid breast feeders talk about the harms of formula and that there's no need to buy it because there are women who donate breast milk. So it can be very easy to feel judged when you're in the check out line buying some formula. But it's ok. When your baby is starving and you can't make enough milk, formula can be your best option. It's faster to go to the baby aisle at the grocery store and pick some up than to figure out the process of getting breast milk.
- Your body doesn't always produce everything you child needs, no matter what anyone else says.
This is really a continuation of number 4. But this time I'm not talking about something happening to you. This is mostly for right after birth. It could also mean that you are pregnant. I do know of mothers that had to supplement with formula because pregnancy decreased their milk supply.
As I've mentioned before, my son was in the NICU for low blood sugar within a couple hours after birth. As soon as he was transferred there, a lactation consultant came in my room with this scary looking contraption. It was a breast pump. I don't know if you've ever seen a hospital-grade breast pump, but they are way more intimidating than a home pump. She explained to me what it was and how to use it. Then she insisted that I begin pumping right away, before she had even left the room, so I could "have enough milk to take to the NICU before they give him formula and ruin him to the breast forever."
Let me put this craziness in perspective for you. I had given birth less than 8 hours earlier. My son had yet to latch very well, so he had not eaten very much yet. That also means there is no way my milk had come in. I was still producing colostrum. My son had such low blood sugar that we actually had to supplement with formula until my milk came in by doctor's orders. On top of that little oversight by this persistent unwanted visitor, I had been at the hospital for over 24 hours (most of which was in labor), so I was not in the mood. There was no way I was going to do this in front of this lady. So, of course, she had to tell me all the horrors of formula.
Before breast milk comes in mothers produce this sticky, yellow stuff called colostrum. Colostrum is high in carbohydrates (sugars), protein, and antibodies. It is wonderful stuff and great for the health of newborn babies. According to my son's doctor, when babies are very small and have low blood sugar, colostrum is not enough. There just isn't enough colostrum to raise the baby's blood sugar to a healthy and safe level and maintain it.
- Do what works best for you and your baby.
No one knows what's best for your child better than you. If nursing is just a terrible experience and you just get mad at your baby, maybe formula is the better option. No one has any right to tell you that you're doing it wrong. No two babies are identical and so no two parenting styles should be identical. People will tell you what you're doing wrong and what you should be doing. Pay them no attention. You're doing great.
